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thank you to kukov
06.24.04 (9:13 pm)   [edit]
I am haunted by the ghost of your hand cautiously
yet reverently touching mine for the first time.

It sits silently on my palm remembering
chiseled lines which were once as familiar as
the back of its own hand.

It breathes in the scent and sweat of my life’s longings,
passion and misgivings knowing well enough
the name they bear yet wanting not to speak it---

For speaking it Rumplestiltskin-like Will lead to its
Own oblivion Leaving my hand cold And the life it holds
Terrifyingly colder…


from jamez paul
thanks my friend
 
A Love lost
06.24.04 (8:36 pm)   [edit]
Walking around the mall by myself, I bumped into someone I never thought of seeing again. At first, I didn’t know what to do. Should I approach her? Should I say hi? What should I say to her? Does she still remember me?
After all these years, she looked pretty much the same to me. Her hair is still short, so is her height; and she still wears that sweet smile on her face. She is still the same attractive girl I met 8 years ago, but it felt different seeing her again.

Here in front of me is the first person who made me human, the first person who brought joy, laughter, pain and suffering to my life. The first person who made me feel wanted, and the first person who made me feel worthless. And after how many years, I can still remember how I habitually made phone calls to her every 8 0’ clock, after the chain of soap operas she fanatically monitored; how I would surprise her with different gifts that vary from simple letters to baked cookies to surprise parties; how I loved holding her hand while we walked around, with her strong grip as if she didn’t want to let me go; how I loved everything about her, her smile, her eyes, and how she made me feel.

Here in front of me is the person who made me cry buckets of tears, use up boxes of Kleenex, and close my door to the world. Here in front of me is the person who taught me that life isn’t all about having fun; that there is more to life than endless phone calls, gifts, long walks, and yes, there is more to life than love. That life doesn’t end when love fades; that people walk in and out of your life and you can’t do anything but accept it, because that’s how life is.

And when I think about it now, it just makes me smile to know that as pathetic as I was when I was moaning over a love lost, I became a better person because of her. All the things she taught me and all the memories I have of her are stored as a chapter of my life; one of the best chapters of my life that I will never forget -- and I will always be thankful for that.

And there she stood, in front of me, and I have been staring at her for the past few minutes. I still didn’t know what to say. And when she finally saw me, she grabbed my hand as she used to do years ago, and greeted me with her sweet smile. She was in a hurry and I didn’t want to keep her for long.

As I walked away, I knew that what just happened was a sign, not of a second chance, but that life is never about closing your door to the world. That life is about being human, that it is all right to cry and to make mistakes. And that however painful love can be, it is the only thing that makes us truly human.

[LINE]
 
Dreams
06.23.04 (5:05 am)   [edit]
[i]It all started with a dream.. Ironically, it ended with a dream as well.[/i]--Otomo No Yakamuchi

On my first semester of internship, I was deployed to a province up north, along with other classmates. One of those was a guy who would definitely be considered a head turner—he had the height, the looks, the wits, the dream-like qualities you would look for in a guy, he definitely had. But I never really got the chance to get to know him until that internship. True, I admired his physique and everything but I never really gave it a thought that we could have a chance. Apparently, besides all those qualities, he had the reputation of being snobbish around the college.

Days passed and we found ourselves enjoying each other’s company—we would spend endless nights talking, just about anything—the comforts we missed in Manila, opinions on certain issues, our families, friends, past relationships, etc.

We became regular drinking buddies as we call it and textmates as well (for we were given our own areas to live in for the duration of the internship—so we were practically apart for most of the time).

One day, he texted me and told me of a dream he had of him and me, I dismissed it. The following week, he again, told me that he dreamt of me again. Which got me into thinking, right even before we got to know each other, right before he told me, he dreamt of us together, I have seen him in my dreams, holding hands with me as if we were together. Then right after he told me of his first dream, I dreamt of him again, this time, we were kissing passionately. Whew! I could not contain myself but to tell him that I have been seeing him in my dreams as well.

So we started off like that. After that conversation, we began noticing each other like we never did before; not just as plain friends or as drinking buddies but as well as… well, you know…

We were happy then, like in the dreams we’ve had. But like everything else, which soon ends, we had to return to Manila for the end of the semester. This meant less time to spend together. It came to such a point when we no longer could find things to say to each other, and so we rarely or never talked at all. I tried to justify what was happening with our relationship, I’m well-aware that he missed his life back here in Manila as I did, that’s why we couldn’t or rather he couldn’t find time for me.

Soon enough, we were back to school for our second and last semester of internship. We were assigned to different groups, which meant different field site areas. This time, we ought to give it a try. To patch things up, but to no avail, it did not quite turn up the way we, or rather, I wanted it to be. We just had to let it go.

We were in his car, talking about us, assessing what has been happening, finally coming up with a decision that we might as well end our relationship. Before I got off, he kissed me on the forehead; I was crying my heart out… Then I woke up. It was just a dream, but just the same, I felt sad because we both had seen it coming. I tried to block the idea that that dream could happen. It just cannot. Not when I am all set to get him back.

Weeks after, I visited him in his apartment. I thought everything was okay. We talked like we used to, laughed as we did before. In the middle of the night, we woke up and talked. That must have been the longest night of my life as far as I could recall. We were lying there side by side, his arms around me, and then he said, “Hanggang ngayong sem na lang ako”. For a while there, I thought, maybe he’s down with a terminal disease, cancer? I don’t know. And then I realized he was referring to our relationship. That he could only stay with me for the rest of this sem, that after this semester, his priorities would be changing, which meant he could no longer include me as part of his priorities. That hurts. A lot. Far more than you could imagine. So I told him, we don’t have to try to make this last through this semester. We could end this right here, right now, while I still can. I never really thought things like this could happen. It was surreal. I thought someone you love could not just wake up one day and realize he has fallen out of love with you, but hey, it did happen, not to just anyone else but to me.

I hugged him so tight until I felt too weak to let him go. I kissed him on the lips until I ran out of breath and my lips felt numb, all the while, my tears were incessantly falling. Then I walked away. I never dared look back. This was the last dream I have had of him.

If I could just turn back time, I would have done everything I could just so I wouldn’t lose him. But its too late.

I wouldn’t want to think that I gave up on him because that would have to mean I have given up on me too… I guess I just have to be glad that once, I have been happy with him. I loved him, and I always will.

Now all I have are dreams and memories of him, and nothing else. :cry: :( [LINE]
[LINE]